A Message from John Cleese;
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
His Sovereign Majesty King Charles III will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which he does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Liz Truss, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you
have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need
so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you
European cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per
US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required
to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis
will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e., tax collector) will be with you shortly t o ensure the
collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no
representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: 'No representation without taxation'.
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; Strawberries in season.
18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.
God save the Queen.